Dreaming of you.
You’re afraid you won’t want
But I never asked for
And we could be good for
So take me because I
You won’t find an option
And I need to have you while
I dance around my room,
All sexy in my sweats,
And sing: “I hate boys,”
To the tune of my favorite pop hits.
Of time loving you have been.
But there is nothing else.
Just loving loving you
When I could be loving myself.
Why are we always
Competing to see who can
Care and love the least?
But keep your mouth
While you do it,
Sometimes I want to dress like a cute girl who goes on hikes and coffee dates other times I want to dress like a dark priestess and I can’t decide which one I want more
Oil out in dimes.
As if every bit of our homes heat
Some kind of crime.
And I’ve seen my lovers measure me
By the number of times I can remember
Their first dog, Skippy
Or was it a cat named Sparky?
Their brother’s this or that
And what the fuck do you expect from me?
We’ve only fucked once or twice -
That third time does count -
Because when I say instant,
Honey, I don’t mean pudding.
No hour of stirring for days of a chill,
And I don’t feel vilified when you look me in the eye
And say, “Gosh Baby, this was fun,
But I gotta run…”
And some excuse so stupid
That I don’t even bother
To write in down in that notebook I keep
To remind me why I’d rather sleep
With myself than you dime-a-dozen pieces of shit.
And I get it.
You’re busy and damaged
And “boys will be boys”
But I got toys with more functions, settings, and speeds
Than you got excuses up your sleeves.
So, I don’t need you.
This is the electronic age!
I can date someone six thousand miles away
And receive my excuses via Skype.
I honestly don’t know what all the hype is about.
I don’t need to see a man to know he cares.
Hell, I don’t know what I’d do
If anyone was actually there for me
As often as they say they’ll be.
You know, My Plan B does not involve me
Running to the Pharmacy
Because I should not have done that.
I don’t need that!
I can stay home on a Friday Night
With a pizza and a chick flick and a bottle of wine.
And I don’t have to share! I can eat the whole thing
When you’re not here!
And that’s the thing, isn’t it?
I can BE a whole thing, when you’re not here.
So, here’s the deal:
I don’t need you.
I am replacing you.
I can finally afford to pay whatever it takes
So that I don’t need you to keep me warm at night.
Yes, you heard right.
I’d rather sell my soul to an oil company
Than give my love to you.
I am a man lost
In a desert.
I am drowning
In an ocean.
So, basically, 2013 was the hardest year of my life. Hands down.
I had an impossible number of health problems hit me at once. My unhealthiness truly defined my year. This was the first time I’ve ever had to deal with my own mortality. I think that took the shiny, invincibility of being a brand-new, young adult away so quickly that I never really had it. Having to admit to complete weakness was so hard for me. Knowing there’s nothing you can accomplish on your own, or having pain you can’t escape is an incredible game changer. This year took my childhood away, and aged me in away that I think many people will not have to experience.
I learned a lot about my strength and how it affects others. I devoted so much time to making myself smaller, because that’s what my peers seemed to want. I allowed other people to define me. But I’ve only just begun to learn that I can’t, and shouldn’t, live that way. As it turns out, I don’t want to be surrounded by people who try to shrink me.
My relationships with High School friends changed a lot. I am so lucky to have friends that allow me to change and grow. I’ve learned that my old friends who really inspire me are the ones who understand the beauty of the “grey area”. As teenagers, I think so many of us decided, “This is good,” or “This is bad,” and never left room for new perspectives or different values. I’ve only recently begun to leave the friends who I built so much of my life around. Leaving toxic relationships has taught me to appreciate the importance of giving my love to the people I have. I am going to endeavor to include more simple appreciation of my friends, they really deserve it.
College was a pip. Just as I sort of figured me life out, I had to move across the country to my school’s other campus. But I made some great friends, who I intend to keep. I learned how happy my career makes me, and that I can survive what I thought was unsurvivable.
This year was 365 days of surviving. I put my entire energy into just holding my life together. The whole thing felt like a bloody, scrambling, mountainous, climb. But I managed (with some spectacular help.) I now know that there is nothing my family cannot accomplish, and that I will put myself through hell to keep going.
I can already feel that this coming year will be the pendulum swinging in the other direction. I won’t allow anyone to temper me and I’m sure that will come with problems of its own. 2014 will be the year of blazing foreword.
But hopefully 2015 will be a year of balance.