Birthday. A very broken piece of me was so simply fixed by my kindest boy.
It is such a lightening feeling to know that the simplest pleasures in my life still reign truest.
I am very happy to have had this day and shared it with those ones I love.

Friend who helped me through that awful night this week, thank you. You always make everything better. You know when to let me cry, you know when to let me drive, and you know just how to make me laugh. Sitting in silence with you is better than any thing else.
To the best friend I’m just reconnecting with, thank you. You never once asked me to explain myself, you just let me sob while you held me. You ground me.
To my old friend, thank you for understanding what I’m going through without trying to change things. Your support helps after all these years.
To my inspiring friend, even when we haven’t talked for awhile you remind me to be better. I want to be the person you see me as.
To my sweetest friend, thank you. When you told me that I could call you any time and we could just sit with our phones, not talking, it meant so much to me. I treasure your love and hope that I can give you the love you deserve.
To the sometimes boy who never forgets me, thank you. Thank you for always asking me what I want, and never making me feel bad for my choices. The smell of coffee reminds me of the feel of you. I am so happy to have a place in your heart.
To my parents, thank you. You’ve put up with an awful lot of health problems and neediness lately and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I love that I can tell you anything. I hope to be the person you raised me to be.
To my gramma, thank you for always reminding me that things will get better. Every time we talk I feel safer, and more excited about my decisions.
To my aunt, uncle, and cousins, thank you for going out pf you way to make my birthday special. I don’t think you know how anxious it’s made me, and you’re fixing it just by loving me.
To the rest of my wonderful friends and family, thank you. I never realized how lucky I am that so many people hold me in their hearts and minds. I truly appreciate every kind thought or well wish that my loved ones have sent my way this year.
I know that tomorrow won’t act as a bridge crossing over to greener grass, but I hope that I will be able to treat it that way. I want the next year of my life to be one of strength and happiness.
Fingers Crossed.

Because of the kindness and love I’m getting from my friends and family.

On it, it seems as clear as day.
“You failed me.”

The sloping sides of her, do you remember the way my hip bones jut
When I’m too hungry to remember to eat?
Do you compare the feel of our skin? The way mine threatens to tear
Under your teeth
Each thigh a temporary butterfly wing
In the too-hot sun of your wanting.
Her skin is warm for you, golden and fiery underneath your pressing.
That flesh will bend
But never break at your whim.
When she lies in stillness beneath you, do you remember perching
Above me
Until I would curl myself up to meet your touch?
The surprise of my hands caught you every time.
Much too strong,
I suposse, for you expectation of a touch.
Our touch conflicting g in your definition of satisfaction.
She meets your thirst, herself a quenching presence
For those deep night droughts.
I could never fully satiate your begging.
You could never have me
As I am, and force me to suit your wanting.
I wonder,
which would you prefer,
If you had the chance to choose,
The comfort of her fullness, or the nagging desire
For hidden hunger?

In the belief that my birthday would come and it would be as if I had crossed into a better year. I hoped that every horrible thing from this age would fall off at my feet, and I would feel happy moving foreword.
Now I wish it wouldn’t come. My person and I are fighting, casual conversations about school make me sad, my singing voice is difficult after surgery, walking still hurts more than it should, my secret sin still catches me, and I am afraid that none of these things will get better.
Just because I reach the marker that signifies survival of another year, the days will feel the same and the problems are not going to magically disapear.
How am I supossed to celebrate that?

Crying about my fear
That the permanent person
I love
Is going to decide
That I don’t matter.

Amish boy,
All bright blue eyes
And excited toddling
Is staring at me
At the highway rest stop.
Perhaps wondering
About the rush of the cars
Or “What on earth
Is that girl wearing?”
He smiles at me
So happy to adventure.
And I whisper,
“Lace.”

For only ever kissing me goodbye because when you’re here you feel like home. The smell if you is the warmth of butterscotch on my tongue. And you hold me without ever clawing for something I do not want to give. Sometimes the question is so subtle in your eyes that I have to give you the answer with a prayer. “Please want me still.” “Remember how well we fit.” It’s always so natural with us I feel a pang of dread until I touch your hand. What if our time apart has changed you? What if you are no longer the kindness I desire? I wish that we were not so many years or miles apart. They are few, but far enough between.
Next time kiss me in greeting. Say you want me when you say, “Hello?”